Rated PG-13 for sexual innuendo/language.
WHY SAKE BOTTLES ARE BETTER THAN MEN
Hokage Tsunade sighed at the figures in the registration book. Kunoichi enrollment was down again. It would be nice to have a female on each genin team. It made the boys more serious, more controllable, more respectful. Girls were a good influence. Also, many of them became medics and they were in short supply of both medics and kunoichi.
"Shizune! Come in here!" Tsunade ordered abruptly.
"Yes, Hokage-sama," Shizune said meekly as she appeared in the doorway.
"Why is kunoichi enrollment down? Several have dropped out of the academy over the past year and the number of female chuunin and jounin is even less than when I was active!"
"I.I'm sorry, I don't know. I mean, I came back here the same time as you. How would I know what's going on."
"Excuses, excuses.I don't want to hear them! Give me a solution!"
"Yes, Hokage-sama.umm.why don't we call a meeting of all the kunoichi available."
"Great idea! Glad I thought of it! Call all the chuunin and jounin level kunoichi, forget that old hag Koharu, she's useless, just likes to nag me all day about formalities. Well? What are you waiting for?" Tsunade stared crossly at poor put-upon Shizune.
"Y.yes Hokage-sama. That's a good idea. I'll call them immediately." Shizune ran off to summon whoever was available.
"I've called you all today to discuss how to increase enrollment of kunoichi. There's been a marked decline in the number of young girls registering in the academy. The other problem is retention. A large number drop out, and as you know, very few ever make it to chuunin or jounin levels. I would like to hear some of your thoughts and suggestions on this matter." Tsunade looked at the group and frowned. 'Anko, Kurenai, and.that's it?! Where was every one else?'
Shizune came in with four bottles of sake, a pot of tea and several cups. "I felt a more informal setting might help us brainstorm some ideas. Maybe I should start a mind map diagram?"
The other three looked at her quizzically. Shizune shrugged and sat down.
Anko, Kurenai and Tsunade poured themselves some sake, while Shizune stuck to tea.
Tsuande asked, "Where's Suzume? She should be part of this."
"She said she couldn't make it. The flower arrangement class had a field trip." explained Shizune.
Kurenai and Anko started to say, "Who needs that stuck up."
Tsunade cleared her voice crossly, cutting them off. "Okay, let's just start. Why are we having problems recruiting, retaining, and promoting kunoichi?"
Shizune stood and picked up a piece of chalk, poised to write down any ideas.
Kurenai started, "Well, it's not like there's any special incentive for women. There's no maternity leave, no special benefits..." She took a sip of her sake from her cup.
Anko broke in, "A woman has to work twice as hard as a man to achieve the same results." She took a swallow from her cup.
Kurenai continued, "And what parent would want their daughter to be a kunoichi? A boy with violent tendencies is one thing, but." She finished the rest of her cup in two gulps.
"And kunoichi have to take more electives. We really have more work to do. It's not just training for combat." Anko finished the rest of her cup in one gulp.
Kurenai suggested enthusiastically, "Hey, maybe if we were paid better than the men."
Tsunade shook her head. "That's reverse discrimination. It would get us in trouble." She poured the rest of her bottle into her cup.
Anko pondered, "Well, the real problem, as I see it, is the girls are intimidated by the boys. They're not encouraged to participate and the male sensei treat them like little girls instead of potential shinobi." She started to drink from her bottle directly.
Kurenai nodded. "Yeah! Anko's right! They encourage the boys to train and fight and they send the girls to practice sharpening weapons and arrange flowers!" She took a swig from her bottle.
"Those men are always treating us kunoichi like second class citizens, there's not a good one among them!" Anko tipped her bottle over her tongue and tapped the bottom to get the last drop.
Shizune wrote furiously on the chalkboard, "no maternity leave, more work, intimidation, fight vs flowers, second class."
Kurenai slammed her empty bottle on the table. "Yeah! Anko's right! It's depressing how's there's not one single decent dateable guy around here!"
Anko and Kurenai sighed and eyed their sake bottles sadly. Tsunade gestured to Shizune for more.
The Meeting Degenerates
Shizune asked, while placing another bottle on Tsunade's desk, "Don't you think you're being a bit hard on them? I mean, I think they're all pretty nice."
Anko shouted out, "If they're nice, they're gay!" She dispensed with her sake cup entirely and drank straight from the bottle right off the bat.
Kurenai, laughed raucously in agreement with her sake bottle in one hand, and sputtered sake all over her shirt, "Yeah, Anko's right! The good ones are all taken or gay! Not that there is anything wrong with that."
"Yes there is! Means less guys for us!" complained Anko.
Tsunade looked at Shizune sharply, "Why aren't you writing this all down Shizune?!"
Tsunade, "Start writing damn it! What are you good for!"
Shizune wrote on the chalkboard, "gay?"
"And if they like women, they're freakin' perverts!" Anko shouted.
Kurenai agreed, "Yeah! Anko's right! They're all a bunch of perverts who just want to cop a feel or screw you without taking you to a nice dinner! Write that down Shizune!"
Shizune started to blush and wrote "perverts?" next to "gay?"
Tsunade mused, "I think we should get back on track, but this is much more interesting. More sake Shizune! Break out the good stuff for everyone!"
Shizune returned with another half dozen bottles.
"Have you ever noticed the size and shape of these little sake bottles?" Kurenai smiled and stroked her bottle suggestively.
Anko doubled over with laughter. Tsunade started to crack a smile. Shizune turned redder.
Men of Suspect Sexuality
"We really shouldn't say these sort of things. I've never had a problem with any guy here. They're all very nice!" Shizune protested.
Anko, laughed bitterly, "You think so, do you? Fine, name anyone!" She reached for her third bottle and handed another to Kurenai.
"Well.What about Asuma? Isn't he a good friend of yours Kurenai?"
Kurenai replied, "That stinkin' bum? Do you know how many packs of cigarettes he smokes a day? Ever heard of second hand smoke? He's killing me each time I stand next to him!"
Anko pointed out, "But he is pretty hot. I mean, he's quite well built. Looks like he'd have quite a package." She gave Kurenai a look and a nudge.
Kurenai, blushed from both the sake and Anko's suggestion, "Well, that's true.I mean.sure I'd sleep with him, but he's not permanent material."
Anko agreed, "Yeah, I'd do him too."
Tsunade ordered, "Put Asuma in one of those columns and give him two, no three checkmarks, I'd do him too!"
"Umm, which column? Pervert or gay?"
Kurenai said, "Well, he's never made a real move toward me."
Anko nodded, "Me neither."
Tsunade said, "Just put him down as gay. We can reclassify him later."
Shizune obediently did as directed, but gave him four check marks, then asked, "Well, what about Iruka? He's really nice and he doesn't smoke."
Anko shook her head, "Mr. Goody-two-shoes? He's about as exciting as.as."
"Dried paint? A white board? Listening to one of the Third's lectures?" Tsunade suggested.
Kurenai agreed, "Yeah! Mr. Self-Righteous. Can't believe how he challenged us jounin at the nomination meeting. Him, just a lowly chuunin."
Anko added, "Not a jounin, not interested, not worth looking at!"
"Yeah! We can't be involved with someone who makes less money than us.but he is pretty cute."
Anko nodded, "Yeah, I'd do him too. He'd make a good daddy if you want to settle down and lead a boring life."
Kurenai mused, "I bet he's going broke taking all the kids out for treats and feeding Naruto ramen all the time, but he has to be Mr. Nice Guy. Weak little chuunin, I bet I can kick his ass from here to..."
Tsunade broke in, "All right, put him in one of the columns and give him.two check marks! I won't sleep with him. He's like a little kid. I'd feel like a pedophile."
Shizune pointed out, "Well, considering your real age, any guy."
Tsunade gave her the evil eye and Shizune immediately changed the subject. "Umm, which column?"
Anko, Kurenai, Tsunade said in unison, "Gay!"
Shizune wrote Iruka's name in the gay column and gave him three check marks, then said, "You guys are harsh!"
Tsunade shrugged,"Well, you can't just choose anyone. I mean, I don't know how you stand Gai."
Anko was shocked! "You're involved with Gai?!"
Shizune, turned very red, despite not drinking. "No way! I mean, I am not! It's just. I was being nice to him because of Lee's operation."
Kurenai shook her head, "That guy is just too weird."
Anko agreed, "That's putting it nicely. Someone give him a makeover from head to toe fast!"
"Yeah, I'd start with trimming those eyebrows."
"A decent haircut by a professional. Looks like he cuts his hair himself!"
"Maybe Lee cuts it for him."
Tsunade added, "Their relationship just seems.so.unhealthy!"
Shizune frowned, "You guys are so mean!"
Kurenai laughed, "Well, don't you think so Shizune?"
Shizune shrugged, "I'll admit he should wear the regular shinobi uniform."
Anko agreed, "Yeah! What makes him think that green jumpsuit is in anyway attractive? It's horrendously ugly! Makes him look like a crazed mutant leprechaun!"
Kurenai added, "And don't forget all that nonsense he spews out."
"Yeah! In fact, the other day he said something like "youth is sweet and sour" and I wasn't sure whether he was hitting on me or ordering Chinese food!"
Kurenai laughed hysterically, "Ha, ha, ha! He's one I wouldn't sleep with!"
Shizune pointed out, "So you'd rather sleep with someone who could kill you with second hand smoke?"
Kurenai shrugged, "Pride and dignity is sometimes more important than living. Being seen with someone like that.just kunai me now!"
Shizune sighed and wrote Gai's name in the gay column without asking and gave him one check mark.
Men with Overactive Libidos
Tsunade, after finishing her third bottle, mused, "You know, all of the guys you've named are better than who I had to deal with on my team, Jiraiya and Orochimaru!"
Anko, Kurenai, and Shizune all said, "Ugh!"
"Yeah, I got stuck with a pervert and a psycho!"
"That Orochimaru's so pale, it'd be like screwing a corpse. Definitely not into necrophilia!" agreed Kurenai.
Anko pointed out, "But you know.snake techniques are interesting in bed, long tongue and other possibilities."
Kurenai made a face."Eeew, wasn't he your sensei? Did you have those thoughts back then?"
Anko turned very, very red. "No! Of course not!"
Tsunade muttered, "Me thinketh thou doth protesteth too much."
Anko retorted, "Stop slurring your words, I can't understand you anymore!"
Tsunade shrugged, "Well, he's only interested in little boys anyway."
Shizune wrote Orochimaru's name in the gay column and gave him one check mark (for Anko).
Kurenai said thoughtfully, "Well, Jiraiya isn't so bad looking for a guy his age. He's nice and tall and.big. probably." She giggled. "He must have a lot of experience and know lots of interesting positions and techniques based on those books...not that I've read any of them of course...
Anko nodded, "Yeah, Godaime, why don't you go for him now. Sure he's perverted, but what does that matter, it's probably a good thing at your age."
Tsunade narrowed her eyes, "What is that suppose to mean?"
Anko explained, "We know you look young but.hey, haven't you gone through menopause?"
Now it was Tsunade's turn to turn completely red."Now that's totally off limits!!!" Her veins started to pop out of her forehead.
Shizune wrote Jiraiya in the perverted column. She paused and asked, "Umm, who wants to sleep with him?"
Kurenai shrugged. Anko shook her head out of loyalty to her ex-sensei. Tsunade shrugged. Shizune gave him two check marks for the shrugs.
Kurenai had another thought, "Hey, do you know who was really hot?"
"Who?" asked Anko.
"Yondaime! I remember him from when I was little."
Yeah, totally! What a player!"
"Tsunade-sama what was he like?" asked Kurenai.
"He was a total stud, but remember who his mentor was."
Anko broke in, "Jiraiya? You mean Yondaime was a perv too?
Anko sighed, "Too bad, but still I would've done him..."
Kurenai nodded, "Multiple times!"
Tsunade nodded as well.
Shizune wrote his name in the pervert column and gave him four check marks.
Kurenai sighed, "Who else is there?"
"I think we forgot Kakashi." suggested Shizune.
Anko nodded, "Kakashi! Who could forget Kakashi!"
Tsunade said, "He's another weird one. But what do you expect, he hung out with Yondaime and Jiraiya."
Kurenai frowned, "He's always reading those degrading books in public. I really want to write him up on charges of sexual harassment."
Anko agreed, "Yeah! I'd like to cram that book right up his."
"Yeah! And he has that cocky I'm so cool by not acting cool attitude!"
"Have any of you seen him without his mask?" asked Shizune.
Tsunade shook her head, "That's beyond weird. I mean, there are other shinobi who wear masks but he takes it to a whole different level."
Anko also shook her head, "Yeah! 24/7!"
Kurenai added, "And he's always late. That's beyond annoying! And I'm sure he does it on purpose just to be annoying!"
"And he's always making stupid jokes. Totally inappropriate, like he thinks he's so clever!"
"Yeah, Mr. Genius, Mr. Chuunin at 6, Mr. Man of a 1000 jutsus! Hah! Tell that to Itachi! See how far that got ya!"
Anko shrugged, "Still, I'd sleep with him."
Kurenai nodded, "Me too, even if it's just to see what's under that mask."
Tsunade and Shizune nodded as well. Shizune wrote Kakashi under the pervert column and gave him four check marks.
Shizune pondered, "You know.I'm starting to see a pattern here."
The other three women gazed at her quizzically with bloodshot eyes. Anko and Kuenai picked up their fourth bottles.
Shizune, "Look.Jiraiya, Yondaime, Kakashi, they're all perverts and each preceding one was the mentor of the successive one."
Anko asked, "So who was Jiraiya's mentor?"
"Sandaime! It's all his fault! It's all clear now! Ever since he resumed being Hokage after Yondaime's death, kunoichi enrollment has decreased every year except one! It must be his fault!" Tsunade slammed her half empty fourth bottle on her desk.
Kurenai agreed, "That's right! He allowed all these men to perpetuate this environment of hostility against women!"
Anko added, "Yeah! I've heard rumors of Sandaime and Jiraiya at the women's baths. It's sexual harassment I tell ya!"
Shizune asked, "What exactly is sexual harassment?"
The other three stared at her and shook their heads at her naivete.
"Well, who's for Sandaime?" No one made any move so Shizune wrote his name under pervert and gave him one check mark out of pity. "Anyone else?" she asked.
A Very Few Good Men
They all fell silent for a while, downed more sake, thought how sexually frustrated they were, and went through the list of men in their heads.
Kurenai turned toward her friend, "Hey, haven't you been hanging out with Ibiki?"
Anko shrugged, "Yeah, for the chuunin exams. What of it?"
"Anything going on there?"
"Well, he's good for a couple of lays, but you can't look at that mug every day. Night time is one thing."
"Hey, you didn't tell me you two were getting it on!"
Anko, turned very red again, "Trust me, it was nothing. You'd think he'd be more interesting with his reputation as a sadist."
Shizune shuddered, "I think he's scary."
Tsunade mused, "I should teach him some chakra molding techniques to change his appearance to something less disturbing."
Shizune, overly concerned with her chart, asked, "Well, apparently he's not gay, but he's not a pervert is he?"
Anko replied, "He's weird enough, put him in with them."
Shizune wrote Ibiki under perverts and gave him one check mark. Apparently Anko wasn't as picky as she pretended to be.
"Shizune, weren't you on a mission recently with Genma, Raidou and Iwashi?" asked Shizune.
Kurenai leaned forward. "Oooh, those guys aren't bad. I don't know them that well, but do tell."
Shizune protested, "There's nothing to tell, we were just on a mission!"
Anko pointed out, "Nothing like going on a mission with three hot guys!"
Shizune shook her head, "I wouldn't call them hot."
Tsunade asked, "Is there something we should know?"
"Huh? No, nothing!"
Kurenai insisted, "Come on, you can't spend days with those guys and not have something to tell!"
"Tell us! That's an order!" the Hokage threatened.
"Umm.well.it seems that they like to get together and visit certain establishments in Otafuku every week.
Anko, Kurenai, and Tsunade yelled in unison, "Perverts!"
"But I'd do any one of them," sighed Anko.
Kurenai nodded, "Me, too!"
Tsunade, said thoughtfully, "I don't usually like guys with beards, I just made an exception for Asuma."
Shizune gave Genma and Raidou four checks each but Iwashi got only three. "What about guys with glasses? Do you have anything against them?
Anko asked, "You mean like Aoba and Ebisu?"
Kurenai shook her head, "Guys with glasses are all gay. Write that down Shizune!"
Anko pondered, "They both annoy me but.I'll have to think about these two."
Tsunade asked, "Aoba's that idiot who told Sasuke his brother's in town and Ebisu is that prissy bastard tutor of that brat Konohamaru, right?"
"Yeah, they're both idiotic bastards!" Kurenai gave them the thumbs down. Tsunade followed suit.
Anko shrugged, "Oh, what the hell, in for a penny, I'd do them at least once."
Shizune wrote their names in the gay column with two check marks.
The Men of the Future
Tsunade pointed out to her staff, "You know, we have to prevent these men from influencing their charges."
Kurenai shook her head, "It's probably too late. Chances are Naruto has already been influenced by both Kakashi and Jiraiya."
Tsunade pondered, "Hmm...you ever noticed how Naruto looks like Yondaime?"
" No way...get out! You're kidding right?" said Anko in surprise.
Kurenai mused, "Well, since he was a player..."
Tsunade added, "And we don't know really know who Naruto's parents were..."
Anko sighed, "Another bastard child with an absentee father, disgraceful!"
"I wonder who the mother was," said Shizune.
Kurenai deduced, "Probably not a kunoichi, we have more sense to use contraceptive techniques."
"Well, not much you can do when it's already in the blood," said Tsunade defeatedly.
Anko agreed, "True, I heard Naruto developed the sexy no jutsu technique before he even graduated the academy."
Tsunade sighed, "Another pervert, what about the others?"
Kurenai reported, "Sasuke has no interest in girls. Shikamaru is a misogynist. Lee is just like Gai. Choji is fat which makes him automatically."
Anko interrupted, "Damn, another generation of gays and perverts! When will this ever end!"
"Well, if we can recruit enough kunoichi, and if more sensei are women." suggested Shizune.
"I have to say my two genin, Shino and Kiba are relatively normal." Kurenai started to say.
Anko laughed rudely, "Hah! That's what you think! Their abnormal obsessions with bugs and dogs.what sexual disorder do you call that?"
"I think you're thinking of beastiality?" suggested Shizune.
"Yeah, that's it!"
Kurenai sighed, "I guess there's nothing to be done then."
"At least the girls are normal, right?" asked Tsunade.
Kurenai reported, "Well, let's see.Ino and Sakura are obsessed with Sasuke. Hinata is obsessed with Naruto.that Tenten girl hangs out with Neji quite a bit."
Anko interrupted, "Ah, the Hyuuga clan. Now there's an interesting combination."
"What do you mean?" asked Tsuande.
Anko replied, "Well, think about the byakugan's abilities."
Kurenai added, "Their penetrating vision!"
Anko nodded, "That's right. A technique envied by perverts everywhere."
Kurenai, thinking about the chuunin prelims when Neji looked at her with his activated byakugan, "Neji's not a pervert is he?"
Anko considered, "Well, he has that supercool attitude like Sasuke."
"You mean he's a gay pervert?"
Tsunade added, "That probably goes for all the Hyuuga men. They're all cold and condescending to women. And look at their hair! It's longer than any of ours, sleeker and better maintained too!"
"I've always been envious of their hair, sigh." Shizune ran her fingers through her own short mussed up hair with split ends.
"Damn them all! I hate men with better hair than me!" ranted Kurenai.
Anko nodded and played with her kunai, "I'd love to give that Hiashi a haircut, a real close one."
The Truth Comes OutShizune looked at the list of names she had written on the chalkboard. "So, umm, how many of these guys have any of you.actually.been intimate with?"
Anko laughed sarcastically, "Intimate with? Ha ha ha, you are such a priss, Shizune!"
"Yeah! We're all woman here, just say screwed or something!" agreed Kurenai.
Shizune refused to use coarse language.
Tsunade interjected, "I can say right off, absolutely none of them!"
Shizune sighed in relief at that.
"Well, if you include my wild younger days, which I mostly spent in an alcoholic daze, I think I slept with.about half of them at least once," pondered Anko.
Kurenai said in surprise, "What?! I didn't know you were such a slut!"
"Oh, please, you're just jealous! I know you want Asuma!"
"You mean you did him too? You just said earlier."
"I didn't want to hurt your feelings. Don't worry, it was a long time ago and it wasn't memorable."
Kurenai glared at Anko and finished her fourth bottle in one gulp.
Shizune crossed out Asuma from the gay column and reclassified him in the pervert column. She thought, 'All men are perverts whether in secret or out in the open.'
Tsunade pointed out, "Well, Kurenai, you haven't answered the question."
"What question?" Kurenai started to yawn.
Kurenai turned redder than Anko, "I.I'm not sure. Does that include genjutsu?"
Shizune asked, "What do you mean? You used genjutsu to get them in bed?"
"I didn't say that.I.uh.forget it.I'd say just a handful. But what about you Shizune?"
"Me? I.uh.haven't been in town for a long time till now."
Anko insisted, "Well, include the time from before."
"Answer them! That's an order!" said the Hokage.
Shizune turned completely red."Well, let's see." She looked down the list and started counting. "Umm, a bit more than half I think."
Kurenai was shocked! "More than half? You mean you slept with more of them than me or that slut?"
"Hey, watch it you b." her soon to be ex-friend protested.
Shizune replied, "Like I said, they're all very nice once you get to know them.and they all took me out to a nice dinner."
"You slept with them in exchange for dinner?" asked Tsunade.
"A nice dinner."
"It's always the quiet ones." Kurenai muttered.
Anko threw her bottle onto the floor."You got dinner out of it? I feel so.gypped!"
Shizune suggested, "Maybe if you just gave these guys a chance."
Tsunade broke in, "They're all losers!"
Anko and Kurenai nodded silently in agreement.
Kurenai and Anko now lapsed into silence, each resentful of the other. They were now out of sake. A dozen bottles lay around them. All except Shizune were heavily intoxicated. Shizune thought as she looked at the disheveled three, 'Maybe it's not the men, but the women.'
Shizune ventured, "Hokage-sama, we still haven't addressed the original problem."
Tsunade responded in a daze, "Oh? What was that?"
Shizune sighed, "Kunoichi enrollment!"
"Oh, yes. Hmm, it seems the only time in recent years that enrollment was up was during the class with Sakura, Ino and Hinata. There were a number of girls in that class and all three genin teams had a girl." pondered Tsunade slowly.
Anko yawned, "Oh, the reason for that is obvious!"
"It is?" Tsunade looked up from the registration book.
"Yeah, look at what boy was in the class," Kurenai hinted.
Tsunade looked down the list, thinking, 'Kiba = dog boy, Shino = bug boy, Choji = blimp boy, Shikamaru = lazy, Naruto = brat.and. Sasuke. I see.Sasuke!'
Tsunade flipped the registration book back a number years to check her theory. She smiled broadly. 'Who said I can't be as astute while under the influence?' "I now realize the solution to our problem. Kunoichi enrollment and retention was at its highest under Yondaime and Sasuke. The solution is.we need to recruit more cute guys! Thereby encouraging girls to enroll!"
The others all nodded enthusiastically in unison. They gave each other high-fives all around, chanting over and over "More cute guys! More cute guys! More cute guys!"
Tsunade ordered Izumo and Kotetsu to clean up her office before she headed to bed with a serious headache.
"Why is it always us?" complained Izumo.
"She treats us like her goddamn errand boys, but we're chuunin!" grumbled Kotetsu.
"Hey what's this?" Izumo looked over the list of names on the chalkboard.
Kotetsu frowned. "Well, she told us to clean up, maybe we should erase the chalkboard too."
"That's probably a good idea." Izumo gestured at the sake bottles and cups strewn all over the floor, then turned his attention back to the chalkboard. "What do you think those Xs mean?"
"I don't know, and I don't think I want to know."
Izumo nodded his headed seriously in agreement and picked up the eraser.