Authors Notes: Sequel to "Why Sake Bottles Are Better Than Men"
Summary: Tsunade tricks Jiraiya into leading a meeting on shinobi recruitment. The only ones who show up are Gai, Iruka and Ebisu. Find out what the men think of each other and the women of Konoha!
Rated PG-13 for language and sexual innuendo.
Why Icha Icha Books Are Better Than Women
'Damn it! How the hell did I get myself into this? I'm supposed to be a hermit, that means NOT being around people and NOT leading stupid meetings!' Jiraiya swore angrily to himself. 'Oh yeah, that bitch tricked me into it! She plied me with sake, put her arms around me, leaned into me to show off her boobs, and asked for a favor! What man can resist that? To make things worse, the only other shinobis available for this shit meeting are men, no women at all!'
Jiraiya propped his feet up on the desk, folded his arms like a spoiled child, and leaned back slightly, just enough to look cool but not enough to tip back and fall on his ass.
Gai was first to arrived, as expected. "Yes! I'm first! I beat everyone else in promptness! Greetings Jiraiya-sama!"
'Oh great, how much time do I have to spend with this annoying fool,' Jiraiya groaned inwardly. "That means you have to take the minutes," Jiraiya ordered slyly. 'Now I won't have to write up the report for that bitch Tsunade.'
"Yes! Minutes! No one beats my shorthand," Gai said with great alacrity.
'Someone else please arrive soon, I don't want to be stuck alone with this idiot.'
Iruka came running in next, huffing and puffing. "Sorry I'm late, I got here as soon as I could, but I took Naruto out for ramen and he ate more than I expected, and I didn't have enough money, so they made me do the dishes!"
Ebisu came in behind Iruka and abruptly brushed him aside. 'Really, standing in the doorway like an idiot, how rude!' He pushed up the middle of his glasses with the middle finger of his right hand. He officiously stood before Jiraiya and bowed. "Good evening Jiraiya-sama."
Iruka quickly bowed his greetings as well.
Jiraiya looked over the three men now seated in front of him. 'Just great, what a fun meeting this will be, a competitive narcissist, a goody-two-shoes wimp, and a stuck up prick, sigh.' He looked at the list of possible participants. "Anyone seen Kakashi? He's supposed to be here too."
"I just saw him. He's out on a date with Ayame. He said he'll drop by later," Ebisu explained.
'That means when the meeting is over. He's smart enough to avoid senseless meetings,' thought Jiraiya enviously. "Who is he with again?" he asked curiously.
"Whom," corrected Ebisu.
'Correcting me, a sannin? I should summon Gamabunta on your ass!'
Iruka answered, "The ramen girl." He thought sadly of his own failed romance with her. (see my ramen girl stories!)
"Kakashi's out on another date? Why do women flock to him? You can't even see most of his face? How can he compare to Konoha's beautiful green beast!" Gai pulled his hair in frustration.
'Well, he's got the beast part right,' thought the other three men.
"I don't get it either," sighed Iruka.
'He was my rival in love as well.' Gai thought back to his crush on Rin, who ignored him and Obito, and who wanted only Kakashi. "What do sensible women see in him?"
"His lack of responsibility should not be an attractive quality," Ebisu agreed. "And really, reading those scandalous books in public is so... crass.er. no offense Jiraiya-sama. I'm sure they're quite well written. It's just insensitive to read them in front of women."
"Hmm." Jiraiya pondered as he looked over the three younger men before him. 'These guys really could use some help with women and I am an expert. This could be a worthwhile, interesting meeting after all.'
"Just look at the three of you, whining about Kakashi's success with women. Take a good look at yourselves in the mirror. Since when has a woman ever complimented you, or you, on your hair, or you on your...glasses. Women like men with great hair. Look at my hair and Kakashi's! Think hair! Lots of it. and white. Even Mizuki has women after him. He's in prison doing hard labor but he gets hundreds of letters proposing marriage every month!"
'Mizuki.gets.marriage proposals?' Iruka was mortified.
"That's all well and good, but we just don't have hair like that," Ebisu said while pushing up his glasses again. 'How many women have you had that you DIDN'T pay for, lecherous old man.'
"Don't doesn't mean can't. You can all have great hair like mine. You just need to grow it out and I'll recommend a hairdresser, not a barber, and I'll even teach you a few.love jutsu. You don't believe Kakashi's hair is all natural, do you?" 'This can work, I'll make these guys into real men instead of a bunch of pansies!'
Gai objected, "My hair is perfect in its functionality and efficiency. It keeps out of my eyes, is easy to maintain and."
"Who cuts your hair? Looks like you did it yourself with a bowl and a kunai. You almost have the same haircut as Shizune, but her hair is rather attractive while yours is.just go see her hairdresser, trust me!"
Jiraiya turned his attention to Iruka. "Now your hair has good length, but no style or texture. Ponytails are for little girls, not grown men. Maybe you could get away with it if your hair were white or if you looked cooler overall, but on you, forget it, it just doesn't work."
Iruka's face darkened but he nodded mutely. 'No point in arguing with a senile sannin.'
"Now you." Jiraiya looked over Ebisu. "Why do you wear dark glasses at night and indoors? It's not cool, just weird and sinister. Go see the shinobi medics and have eye surgery so you won't need glasses at all."
"I have sensitive eyes."
"What are you, some kind of vampire? Just take my advice. I've lived much longer than any of you and had twice the number of women of all of you combined! Now what's your best pickup line?" Jiraiya looked over at Iruka first since he seemed the most likely to take his advice.
"Er...um... 'What's a nice girl like you doing in a place like this?'"
Jiraiya shook his head at its low level cool factor. "What about you?" he challenged Ebisu.
"Here's my resume."
Jiraiya lowered his head. 'These guys really need help!' "All right, you next." He looked at Gai who was raising his hand enthusiastically.
"A beautiful flower like you should not be allowed to wilt. Let me show you the sunshine of my experience."
"Hmm, that's actually not too bad." 'It will confused them enough to get their attention. I might try that one.'
"Okay, first lesson, here are some standard lines:
'Do you have a map? I just got lost in your eyes.
Do you mind if I stare at you up close instead of from across the room?
There must be something wrong with my eyes, I can't take them off you.
Am I dead? Cause this must be heaven!
Are you lost miss? Because heaven's a long way from here.
You must be a hell of a thief 'cause you stole my heart from across the room.
Have you always been this cute, or did you have to work at it?
I hope you know CPR, 'cause you take my breath away!
Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again?
Did the sun come out or did you just smile at me?
If it weren't for the sun, you'd be the hottest thing ever created.
My lenses turn dark in the sunshine of your love.'
You should try the last line if you don't get your eyes fixed," Jiraiya added, looking at Ebisu.
"Now that's just a couple of reasons why the three of you are not successful with women. Read my books, you'll get some excellent tips from them. The Icha Icha series is an excellent guide to what women expect on a date and what they want in bed. In fact, I happen to have several copies with me. Only 995 ryou for the soft cover and 2500 ryou for the hard cover..."
Author's Notes: The pickup lines I got on-line from searching for "best pickup lines."
The Meeting Objective
Jiraiya's sales pitch was interrupted by a knock on the door. Shizune came in balancing a tray full of sake bottles and cups. "I thought this might help your meeting. It sure helped us brainstorm at our last kunoichi meeting," Shizune said with a shy smile. She excused herself and bowed before leaving the room.
"Ah, now, Shizune is a classy woman," Jiraiya said appreciatively as he filled his sake cup.
"Yes, she's one of the few nice kunoichis. Oh, I didn't mean that they're not all nice." Iruka blushed at his slip but thought, 'Most of those kunoichi are pretty mean and bitchy.'
"Hah! But it's true," agreed Jiraiya, "most kunoichi are bitches."
"Really! That is an inappropriate way to refer to assertive woman," protested the gallant Ebisu.
"Kunoichi are like plum blossoms, beautiful flowers that can withstand the harsh cold weather between spring and winter," Gai elaborated.
'Huh?' "Well, I prefer civilians myself, kunoichi are too complicated," Jiraiya shrugged and refilled his cup.
Iruka nodded in agreement while finishing his first cup of sake.
"Of course," Jiraiya continued, "Kunoichi sex is much more interesting. All the combinations of techniques like henge and kage bunshin. But you need to find a kunoichi who's willing to perform. Those can be simulated by civilians, but it's more costly.er.I mean less effective."
"I heard through the grapevine that you and Tsunade-sama were.involved," Ebisu challenged. He was not a drinker, and the small cup of sake had already caused his face to flush and his usual proper demeanor to become impaired.
"Well.not really," Jiraiya did not want to admit he still had a crush on her. She wanted nothing to do with him yet she would use her feminine wiles to get what she wanted and he fell for it each time.
"That chakra molding technique of hers is really something," Iruka mused.
"All women should learn that technique." Jiraiya was glad to change the subject.
"What does she really look like?" The three younger men asked almost simultaneously.
"Well." Jiraiya normally wouldn't give away her secrets but she did trick him into holding this meeting, so. "She looks older than Advisor Koharu."
"Really? Isn't she a couple of decades younger?" Ebisu pointed out.
"Yeah, well, some women just don't age well at all. Now men, on the other hand, get more distinguished with age. That's why it makes more sense for an older man to be with a younger woman. At least ten years is my recommendation. By the time a man and woman are fifty, the woman will look over sixty. Trust me on this one!" Jiraiya polished off the rest of his bottle and started on another.
"Hmm." murmured Gai who had been uncharacteristically silent. "But a mature flower has a sweeter scent."
'What is he talking about?' muttered Iruka to himself.
"And more wrinkles!" Jiraiya interrupted. "Now my advice to you all is have your fun now with whoever you want."
"Whomever," corrected Ebisu.
"Shut up you light-in-the-sandals-four-eyed-fairy! Now my point is don't settle down until you're older. Then find a nice younger woman who'll stay fresh longer."
"You mean eat ripe melons now but wait for the ones off the vine to become mature fruit," suggested Gai. "This appears to be some good advice, I'll add it to the minutes," Gai said while scribbling furiously.
'What the hell is he talking about?' wondered poor naïve Iruka.
"Exactly!" nodded Jiraiya. 'Gai looks dense, but has an interesting way of saying things.'
"Yes, but, how do you get a woman now?" asked Iruka almost desperately.
"Well." Jiraiya looked over the only chuunin and quickly evaluated him based on Naruto's reports and his own impressions. 'Nice guy, definitely a family man type, but really needs more experience before he settles down. Not cool enough for a kunoichi, best for him to find a civilian in the long run, but he needs some kunoichi action first. ".women on the rebound are excellent prey. What's-her-name, the purple haired Anbu chick, I hear she's still on the rebound from Hayate's death."
Gai furiously took more notes.
Ebisu frowned and raised an eyebrow at the inappropriate suggestion. "Taking advantage of a woman in pain is.not chivalrous!"
"Okay, since when has chivalry gotten you anywhere? Women like men who are cool and dangerous and insensitive."
Ebisu shook his head in disapproval and endeavored to change the topic. "What was the original purpose of this meeting?" He polished off his second cup in one gulp. His ears and cheeks started burning.
Gai was already on his third bottle but being a master of drunken fist, he was hardly affected. Iruka had just finished his first bottle. Despite his darker complexion, he was nearly as red as Ebisu.
Jiraiya had just started on his third bottle. "Purpose? Oh, er, it was..." "Crap! What was it?' Tsunade asked him for a favor last night and he said yes. But he only vaguely remembered what she asked. At the beginning of the meeting he sort of remembered but after the sake he forgot again. 'Damn, she's going to beat the crap out of me! Maybe I can make something up if I just had an idea of what she wanted...' He thought frantically.
"Oh yes! The point of this meeting was to come up with an ad campaign for shinobi recruitment. Since the war against the Sand and Sound, enrollment has decreased. For some reason Tsunade added a suggestion that we aim for cute boys. Hmm.what would attract kids to a shinobi career?"
"Excitement?" suggested Gai.
"Money and prestige?" suggested Ebisu
"Protect the village!" offered Iruka.
"No, no, no! Women!" yelled Jiriaya excitedly.
"Women?" the other three men echoed.
"Yes of course! We need a poster girl to attract boys."
"What about the girls?" asked Iruka.
Jiraiya explained, "The girls will follow where the boys are."
"I see." said Gai reverently, "Tsunade-sama's suggestion to recruit attractive males is part of her astute plan to attract potential kunoichi."
"Do you mean we should choose one of the female genin as the poster girl?" asked Iruka.
"No, no, a mature woman!" Jiraiya explained.
"Well, Shizune's really sweet." Iruka offered while blushing even redder.
"She's like someone's sister. You wouldn't be attracted to your sister, would you?" countered Jiraiya.
Iruka shrugged and sadly though about how he had no family at all.
Ebisu suggested, "How about someone intelligent, like Suzume."
"Advocating your ex-girlfriend is an unfair tactic to win her back," said Gai.
Jiraiya cut to the chase, "Intelligent, yes, but she's a dog!"
"No she's not! She's quite attractive, especially without her glasses." Ebisu hotly protested. He gave his glasses a double push.
Gai suggested, "We should endeavor to resolve this matter via a more systematic and democratic approach."
"How about we rate each kunoichi on a scale of one to ten and whomever scores." Jiraiya started to say.
"Whoever." corrected Ebisu though slightly tipsy, grammar was still very important.
".the most points wins?" Jiraiya ignored the grammatical correction but noted to himself this was the third time and the next time Ebisu was going down! "We can rate them on several factors..."
"Excellent proposal Jiraiya-sama, Your wisdom stemming from your long experience and age far exceeds our own," complimented Gai who now was finally feeling a buzz after his fourth bottle of sake.
Iruka was now trying hard to stay awake after his second bottle. Ebisu did not approve of the turn of events and polished off his first bottle in protest.
The Kunoichi of Konoha
"Let's go back and start with Shizune and Suzume," suggested Gai as he looked over his notes.
"All right, Shizune. I'd give her a 6 for personality, too shy, we need someone more seductive. 6 for body, nice, but small boobs, and 6 for general looks, plain dress, not sexy," evaluated Jiraiya.
"I like her. I'd give her an 8 for personality and looks. I think being a good caring person is more important," said Iruka. "But you're right about the body," he admitted with a blush.
"True, but a good balance of all positive characteristics should be considered. I'd give her a 7 for personality, 6 for looks and body." Ebisu pushed up his glasses thoughtfully, or rather he was finding it harder to think.
Gai looked up from his notes. "The springtime of youth must be nurtured appropriately. A gentle wind and rain are necessary along with the warm sun. I'll give her an 8 for personality, 7 for looks and 6 for body."
"Whatever, next, Suzume." Jiraiya shook his head at Gai's strange speech. 'Hmm...some of that might actually work in one of my stories.'
"An intelligent role model is very important, 8 for personality, 7 for looks and body," Ebisu asserted.
"She's nice too," Iruka said dreamily, "and she looks great with flowers, especially with the white roses I sent her. I'll give her an 8, 7,7 too!"
"What? You sent my girl flowers! I'm going to kunai your ass!"
"Hey, she's not your girl anymore.she said you couldn't perform."
"You'd better call Naruto to protect you."
"Hey you two, settle it on your own time or I'll squash both of you and.cut off any apparatus essential for an amorous adventure!" Jiraiya scolded angrily. 'Damn, why am I suddenly talking like Gai?' "She's not much of a looker. Why fight over her? She's at best a 6/6/6."
"I'll have to agree with Jiraiya-sama. She's a chilly choice in my opinion. We need someone with more passion, more spirit, more hot-blooded." Gai suggested.
"Anko!" Iruka suddenly exclaimed.
"She does have the desired measurements," agreed Ebisu.
"Ample endowment by nature is a wondrous thing," agreed Gai.
"But she's a super bitch," Iruka reconsidered, thinking how condescending she was during the second chuunin exam, "She deserves to be bitch-slapped! Oops, I didn't mean to say that aloud..."
"Yes, she is a super crazy blood thirsty bitch, but she wears fishnet. You can't go wrong with that!" said Jiraiya while drooling slightly.
"Ah fishnet, provides barely sufficient coverage but strangely functional," Gai evaluated. "But passion and spirit should be tempered by kindness. Personality 5, looks 7, body...9!
"I'll second that," Ebisu agreed while pushing up his glasses.
Iruka nodded and hiccupped.
Jiraiya rubbed his chin thoughtfully. "Well...I'll go along with the looks and body, but she has an interesting forceful personality that some men would find attractive...8 for that..."
"You mean men interested in being tied up and beaten! Have you heard what she did to Ibiki?"asked Ebisu. "He's got more scars in places you don't want to imagine!"
"That does sound interesting..." murmured Iruka who was desperate for any action.
"But she knows snake techniques! Just imagine what she could do with a snake!" Jiraiya was now in full drool mode.
"Perhaps Anko's friend Kurenai is a better choice," Gai suggested.
"Ah, to say both those names in one breath, conjures up all sorts of wonderful lascivious possibilities..." Jiraiya's eyes glazed over.
"I'd like to bitch-slap her too!" exclaimed Iruka, thinking of the dirty look she gave him during the nomination meeting for the chuunin exams.
"Maybe we can have two poster girls." Ebisu was now enjoying the idea.
"Two beautiful flowers united in a fond embrace would..." Gai began to say.
"But Anko's boobs are bigger!" drunk Iruka interjected.
"No, Kurenai binds her breasts, but they're just as big," Ebisu accidentally explained.
"How would you know?" asked jealous Jiraiya.
"I.er.saw them at the woman's hot spring baths."
"You're a peeper too! There's hope for you yet!"
"No! I was following Naruto that day and one of my kage bunshin just happened to glance that way."
"Well, if we had to choose one.Kurenai's really hot. She's got great hair, beautiful eyes, good body and she's not as much as a crazed bitch as Anko. Too bad she and Asuma are practically joined at the hip..." sighed Jiraiya, thinking of her hypnotic eyes, and the types of hallucinations she could project.
"Ha, ha, ha wait till she finds out he's gay!" giggled Iruka, then stopped when he recalled how Asuma hit on him.
"What? Asuma's gay?" Jiraiya sputtered sake all over his chest. 'No way! He's a fine male specimen. He even smokes and looks cool. Not like these guys! These guys may be gay but certainly not cool, muscular Asuma!'
"I believe it. She's been hitting on him for years, but he shows no interest." Ebisu nodded and gave his glasses a double push again.
"Hmm, rumors about his exploits have reached my ears..." said Gai thoughtfully. "Too bad, a flower like that should not be allowed to wilt. I must protect and pluck that flower before it succumbs to grief from unrequited love."
"I'll fight you for her!" Iruka stood up unsteadily.
Ebisu easily pushed him back in his seat. "Give it up, pathetic weak chuunin. Even I can beat the crap out of you. You have no chance against him..."
"Break it up guys. No point in fighting over a woman. There're lots of them to go around. Don't forget the Anbu chick, and the dog girl..."
"You should call them by their proper names. I think you mean Uzuki Yuugao and Inuzuka Hana." Ebisu took off his glasses and rubbed his eyes. He was beginning to see double after one and a half bottles of sake.
"Wait! We did not officially rank the pulchritude of kunoichi Kurenai," Gai pointed out.
"7! 8! 8!" shouted Iruka, slamming his third sake bottle on the desk.
"Sounds good to me," nodded Ebisu.
The other two also nodded. No one wanted to think or evaluate anymore than necessary.
Gai checked his list, "Next Yuugao, the Anbu girl."
"If she poses with an Anbu animal mask wearing animal prints lying on a tiger skin rug.that could really work," Jiraiya's tongue hung out.
"Her boobs aren't big enough!" Poor Iruka was now quite fixated on his favorite female part of the anatomy.
"She does lack the advantageous of the other two, but she's nicer," observed Ebisu.
"She must be if she was willing to be with Hayate..." mumbled Jiraiya
"We shouldn't speak ill of the dead." Gai protested.
Iruka interjected, "Loser! Dog girl's better!"
"Wait, we must be systematic. 8/8/7?" suggested Gai.
The rest of the men nodded, too drunk to protest.
Gai checked his list. "So what about dog girl, er, I mean Hana?"
Iruka: "Too scary!"
Ebisu: "Too smelly!"
Jiraiya: "Bet she's really hot in bed."
Iruka:"Yes! Like an animal in bed!"
Jiraiya: "I'd do her, oh hell, I'd do anyone of them, all of them, at once!"
Gai: "Another lovely flower despite the sharp fangs and odd odor. Rating? 7/8/7?"
"Sounds good to me! Add up the numbers," ordered Jiraiya.
"Wait, is there anyone we missed?" asked Gai.
"There's always Hokage-sama herself," Jiraiya suggested.
"Tsunade? She's old," Ebisu noted.
"But she's got super-big boobies!" giggled Iruka.
"That bitch keeps getting me and Aoba mixed up. Really! I am an elite tutor to potential kages and he's nothing!"
"Well, you two do wear glasses. But she is insensitive," Jiraiya agreed.
Iruka: "Total bitch!"
Gai: "Extremely poor role model."
Iruka: "But she's got super big boobies! 5/10/10!"
Jiraiya: "Add up the totals!"
Gai started adding up the numbers, but now he was on the verge of intoxication, though more sober than the others. He was not good at math and was having a hard time. Ebisu and Iruka leaned over to help.
Iruka: "No, no! The easiest way to add is by the partial sums method."
Ebisu: "No, straight normal addition is much better than this crappy new math!"
Jiraiya: "Try the subtraction method instead."
Ebisu: How can you add while subtracting?"
Jiraiya: "How the hell should I know? I just heard of it, all right?" He actually learned it from a prostitute who was adding up his rather enormous bill.
Iruka: "Try multiplying these then adding. That should be easier."
Finally, after nearly half an hour, the totals were ready and the winner was.